Wear Apple/Macintosh garb to show the world that
we're not crawling into holes and dying.
		-- Guy Kawasaki
%
When you see people using a PC (a dead giveaway of PC laptop is
that Solitaire is running), ask them if their company forced them
to use it.
		-- Guy Kawasaki
%
Read MacUser, Macworld (even though the inside back column just
isn't what it used to be), MacWEEK, and MacToday on airplanes and
then leave them in the seat pockets for the next passenger.
		-- Guy Kawasaki
%
One of the deep mysteries to me is our logo, the symbol of lust
and knowledge, bitten into, all crossed with the colors of the
rainbow in the wrong order.  You couldn't dream of a more appropriate
logo:  lust, knowledge, hope, and anarchy.
		-- Jean-Louis Gasse
%
It's not like we were all smart enough to see a revolution coming.
Back then, I thought there might be a revolution in opening your
garage door, balancing your checkbook, keeping your recipes, that
sort of thing.  There are a million people who study markets and
analyze economic trends, people who are more brilliant that I am,
people who worked for companies like Digital Equipment and IBM and
Hewlett-Packard.  None of them foresaw what was going to happen,
either.
		-- Steve Wozniak, "So Far"
%
Microsoft recently relased its new Windows 2000.  What are some
of the features of the new operating system?

 * Crashes up to 300 percent faster than Windows '98
 * Comes with free webcam, which must be kept on at all times
 * Fully Y2K compliant
 * Special "cost" feature increases Bill Gates' wealth
 * Lets youplay exiting games like Minesweeper, Solitaire, and
   Mindlessly-Add-Up-The-Numbers-40-Hours-A-Week
 * New bathroom break scheduler
 * Instructs computer to thunder, "I love you, organic master!"
   at random intervals
 * Conveniently forwards all e-mail to Redmond, WA
		-- The Onion
%
Well, to create a new standard it takes something that's not just
a little bit different, it takes something that's really new, and
really captures people's imagination.  And, the Macintosh, of all
the machines I've ever seen, is the only one that meets that standard.
		-- Bill Gates
%
Macintosh Jr.:  The Power to Crush the Other Kids
%
My friends,each of you is a single cell in the great body of the 
state.  And today, that great body has purged itself of parasites.
We have triumphed over the unprincipled dissemination of facts.
The thugs and wreckers have been cast out and the poisonous 
weeds of disinformation have been cosigned to the dustbin of 
history.  Let each and every cell rejoice!  For today we 
celebrate the first, glorious anniversary of the Information 
Purification Directive.

We have created, for the first time in all history, a garden of
pure ideology, where each worker may bloom secure from the pests
of contradictory and confusing truths.  Our unification of thought
is a more powerful weapon than any fleet or army on earth!  We are
one people.  With one will.  One resolve.  One cause.  Our enemies
shall talk themselves to death, and we will bury them with their
own confusion.  We shall prevail!
		-- Big Brother, Apple's "1984" commercial
%
Appearance Version 1.1:  Does that Theme Switchin' Thang.
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument
	with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	This onion already has a perfectly good definition
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters,
	that's 3 more than ANSI said I should)
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	...And the lord said, "lo, there shall only be case
	or default labels inside a switch statement."
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines
	10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	This label is the target of a goto from outside of the
	block containing this label AND this block has an automatic
	variable with  an initializer AND your window wasn't wide
	enough to read this whole error message
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	Too many errors on one line (make fewer)
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	Huh?
%
Macintosh Programmer's Workshop Error Message:
	Trailing comma not permitted in enum definition.
	(This time I'm letting you off with a warning)
%
A dogcow is what I want to be.
Pictured in dialogs,
Running through the weeds,
In and out of advertisements,
Loving my naughty deeds.
Feeling in black and white.
Over the edge of cliffs,
Out with the tide in the sea.
Living life to the fullest,
Sweet survival in 2 D.
		-- Technote #31:  The Dogcow
%
Version 1.2 of Apple Guide is brought to you by:
Greg "twin-turbocharged" Brewer
Peter "and furthermore" Commons
Dave "do the right thing" Falkenburg
Bill "oh yeah, that one" Foster
Amy "pound on it" Hansen
Brent "I'm excited" Horger
Josh "just one more feature" Jacobs
Glenn "lets get organized" Katz
Sue "will do" Kuo
Brian "thats next on my list" Lawley
Dave "cursorman" Lyons
James "I'm in the chips" Miyake
John "follow me, I'm lost" Powers
Alex "you can quote me" Rosenberg
%
Desktop Pictures 1.0 STR# Resource ID 4005:
	"This balloon string is no longer 
	needed, so I'll use it to say Hi Mom."
%
Iguana Iguana Powersurgius
%
Close the front window. Not available
because there is no front window. Obvious really.
		-- Internet Config Balloon Help
%
Open a new preference document. Not available because we don't
like you.
		-- Internet Config Balloon Help
%
I want my, I want my, I want my look and feel.
%
This is the 7.0 Secret About Box!
Dedicated in Gratitude and Humility to the 7.0 team.

For all the nights you had to stay And all releases -- DOA 
And all the bugs we never found
And all the features run aground,
For all the schedule slips we made
And all the prayers we know you prayed
And all the crashes we didn't see 
And all the hangs (still mystery)
For this, in all humility, 
To you who scorned depressing talks,
We dedicate this secret box 
For pressing on in spite of doubt
For that is what it's all about...
%
HFSPinaforeDispatch = 0xAA52,
%
The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of a
fast-approaching train.
%
Spring has sprung, fall has fell, winter's here and it's colder 
than usual.
%
I sure like being inside this fancy computer.
%
Congratulations, you just won a sweepstakes and you don't 
have to pay income tax again!
%
We must rejoice in this morbid voice.
%
We cannot communicate with these carbon units.
%
Psssst...hey you.  Yeah, you, who do you think I'm talking to,
the mouse?
%
You can have a good product with a lot of good
philosophical thinking behind it - a lot of pureness - and still 
not sell.  You gotta have some luck, too.  The NeXT is a 
good machine that just didn't have the luck to make it successful.
		-- Steve Wozniak
%
Medicine will cure death and government will repeal taxes before
Steve [Jobs] will fail.  You can quote me.
		-- Guy Kawasaki
		   NeXTWORLD, Fall 1991, p. 80
%
Good artists copy...great artists steal.
%
Aanal, Enacku Naiimadu, Kaanali!
%
The Mac is the first computer good enough to be criticized.
		-- Alan Kay
%
It's better to be a pirate than to join the Navy.
		-- Steve Jobs
%
Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared-water,
or do want a chance to change the world?
		-- Steve Jobs
%
Well, let's say you can shave 10 seconds off of the boot time. 
Multiply that by five million users and thats 50 million seconds, 
every single day.  Over a year, that's probably dozens of lifetimes. 
So if you make it boot ten seconds faster, you've saved a dozen lives.  
That's really worth it, don't you think?
		-- Steve Jobs
%
Working at Apple, particularly on the Mac team, was just an
amazing experience.  It was exiciting, it was fun, we knew we were
charged with a mission; we were going to change the world ...
		-- Bill Atkinson
%
Sure, you can run a webserver on the OS X side, and connect to
it on the OS 9 side.  It's actually very important, because Doom
needs that ...
		-- Wilfredo Sanchez
%
Macintosh PowerBook 5300/ce117:  Notebook Computer & Desktop
Hibachi
%
The dogcow has no natural enemies, but the meager population
manages to keep itself in check through its own stupidity. They
have a nasty tendency to graze off cliffs (in fact, there are no
known "cliff-dwelling dogcows" left in existence) and to get lost
in the weeds. You've probably noticed that when you cut very high
grass, you tend to get a lot of "paper" in the grass clippings;
closer examination would show that much of it is actually dogcow.
When a mower approaches, dogcows often actually change their hide
to resemble newspaper as a final line of defense--hence the famous
expression, "black and white and read all over."
		-- Technote #31:  The Dogcow
%
The dogcow has a name, and it's not Myria. The dogcow's name is
Clarus. Several people have said to me, "Mark, you handsome devil,
I think I've heard that name, or something similar, somewhere
before." I always tell them, "No, you're hallucinating again. You
never remember anything." The dogcow's name is Clarus for the same
reason you call a table a "table."
		-- Technote #31:  The Dogcow
%
Gentle Reader,

You should only address a dogcow by name, and then only after it
has spoken to you. Miss Manners would not consider "Moof!" a term
of affection.
		-- Technote #31:  The Dogcow
%
Scott "ZZ" Zimmerman of MacDTS was the person who actually coined
the term "dogcow," on October 15, 1987. Prior to that, it was
referred to scientifically by biologists as, "that weird looking
thing," and by computer geeks as "the doggie dialog." Just like
the space program gave you the advanced technology for teflon,
Apple has fathered the research in dogcow biology.
		-- Technote #31:  The Dogcow
%
Okay, So How Do I Draw a Dogcow?

There is actually a mathematical way to do it. Any cycloid in the
intersection of the Bovine and Canine coordinate systems will give
you a dogcow. As you would suspect, the bigger the cycloid, the
more personality the dogcow.
		-- Technote #31:  The Dogcow
%
More than two months after I first installed the Professional
version on my Compaq Armada M300, The Laptop That Wouldn't Run
Windows 2000 finally does. All it needed was three teleconferences
with Microsoft and Compaq engineers, marketers and PR people; FedEx
trips first to one company's labs, then to the other's and ultimately
a new motherboard.
		-- Henry Norr
		   26 March 2001, SF Gate
%
Mac people are just cooler. Mac users have a soul. People don't
tell you "I love my Dell" or "I love Windows." But you hear people
say "I love my Mac" all the time.
		-- Bob LeVitus
%
Never ask what sort of computer a guy drives.  If he's a Mac
user, he'll tell you.  If not, why embarrass him?
		-- Tom Clancy
%
In a world without walls or fences, what use do we have for
Windows or Gates?
%
Bill Gates' $50 million residence (drafted by Seattle 
architectural firm Bohlin Cywinski Jackson) was designed
on Macintosh computers.
%
The first evening at Bill Gates' new mansion, his 
drop-from-the-ceiling bigscreen TV would not shut off.  
Gates had to throw a blanket over it to get to sleep.
		-- 20/20 Interview with Bill Gates
%
The Navy missile cruiser USS Yorktown suffered a crippling systems
failure when its Windows NT operating system tried to divide by
zero. "Even a $3 calculator gives you a 'zero' and doesn't stop
executing the next set of instructions", said an engineer with the
Atlantic Fleet Technical Support Center. The ship ultimately had
to be towed into the Naval base at Norfolk, VA.
%
Intel chairman Andy Grove, co-developer of the "Wintel" PC, has
seen the future of computing and it is a Macintosh.
		-- "Andy Grove Loves His iMac
		   Time Daily, 23 September 1998
%
I wrote an ad for Apple Computer:  "Macintosh - We might not get
everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to
end."
		-- Douglas Adams
%
I'm a better person, I'm a more creative person, my reach is
greater, my grasp is greater with an Apple computer.
		-- Richard Dreyfus
%
Macintosh:  Because you can see right through Windows.
%
Macintosh:  Because sometimes Windows are just a pane.
%
Windows '95:  The most expensive solitaire game that money can buy.
%
Intel Inside:
The world's most widely used warning label.
%
The box said "Windows '95 or Better."  So I got a Macintosh.
%
Do you always buy the market-dominant product simply because 
of that market dominance?
		-- Guy Kawasaki
%
Saying Windows is equal to Macintosh is like finding a potato
that looks like Jesus and believing you've witnessed the second
coming.
		-- Guy Kawasaki
%
We won.  Every computer in the world is basically a Macintosh now.
		-- Steve Wozniak
%
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in
higher regard those who think alike than those who think differently.
		-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
Microsoft allowed us to [change our startup screen], but we don't
think we should have to ask permission every time we want to make
some minor software modification. Windows is an operating system,
not a religion.
		-- Ted Wiatt, Gateway Chairman
%
From its original launch, the Apple Macintosh is an educational 
masterpiece and it maintains its lead over its belated and shameless
imitators.
		-- Richard Dawkins
%
I guess I use a Mac because I don't have time to learn how to
use a computer.
		-- Sydney Pollack
%
I actually come from the old trash 80 days  the TRS-80, model
1.4K.  Sounds like a handgun?  It was!  I got bumped into a PC when
trash 80 went south and I struggled with and tried to make sense
of it.  I tried to pretend I was having a good time and that it
wasn't insanely difficult, but basically it was as easy as deciphering
the Rosetta Stone.
		-- Peter Bergman
%
I made the mistake of building my Windows machine myself, it took
three months; it was nothing but bugs.  In fact, it's more of a
biology zoo, I think, than a machine.
		-- Peter Bergman
%
WINDOWS, n.:
	Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
%
Windows 95 is a 32 bit extension for a 16 bit patch to an 
8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor 
by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.
%
Q:  How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number
    GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incadescent Source System
    Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only
    "This page intentionally left blank."
%
Q:  How many Windows programmers does it take to change a 
    light bulb?
A:  Seventy two.
    One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle,
    one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb,
    one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ...
%
Q:  How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  One, but he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for
    him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
%
Q:  How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw 
    in a lightbulb?
A:  Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
%
Q:  How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw 
    in a light bulb?
A:  None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.
%
Q:  How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Did you try rebooting with extensions off?
%
Q:  How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one 
    to insert the new one.
%
Q:  How many Pentium engineers does it take to screw in a 
    light bulb? 
A:  1.99904274017, but that's close enough for 
    non-technical people.
%
Q:  What do you get when you divide the speed of a
    Macintosh by the speed of a Pentium PC?
A:  You can't divide by zero, you moron!
%
Q:  What do a PC and an elephant have in common?
A:  They're both big, bulky, slow, fat, and grey.
%
At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to 
determine my annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone 
call from a new user of a Macintosh Plus.  She got her entire family 
out of the house and was calling from her neighbour's.  She had 
just received her first system error and interpreted the picture 
of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the computer was going 
to blow up.
%
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Zombies.
Zombies, who?
Zombies make honey, and some bees don't.
%
Tech Support: "What kind of Mac do you have?"
Customer:     "It's the kind that sits on my desk...not one of the
               newer ones."
%
The Macintosh uses an experimental pointing device called 
a "mouse."  There is no evidence that people want to use 
these things.
		-- John Dvorak, February 1984
%
Indeed, it would not be an exaggeration to describe
the history of the computer industry for the past decade as a
massive effort to keep up with Apple.
		-- Byte, December 1994
%
There must not be a plethora of configurations.  It is better to
offer a variety of case colors than to have variable amounts of
memory.  It is better to manufacture versions in Early American,
Contemporary, and Louis XIV than to have any external wires beyond
a power cord.

And you get ten points if you can eliminate the power cord.
		-- Jef Raskin, May 1979
%
The end-user cost for this machine should be $500 or less, to be
sold early in 1982 (or, better still, by Christmas 1981).
		-- Jef Raskin, May 1979
		   Describing the prototype to later become the
		   Macintosh
%
The minimum number of holes in the case through which fingers,
screwdrivers (either metallic or liquid), EMI or earwigs can crawl
is to be desired.
		-- Jef Raskin, May 1979
		   Describing the prototype to later become the
		   Macintosh
%
And I hate PCs - they are over complicated and unfriendly.  While 
Macs are people friendly and intuitive.  It's no coincidence that 
most creative people use Macs for sound and pictures of all 
kinds and every two-bit office has a 286.
		-- Nigel Godrich
		   Radiohead Producer
%
I bought my first computer in 1989.  At the time everybody I knew 
used Macintosh. And it still seems like that's kind of the 
case - like Macintosh is the computer of all the creative 
disciplines.
		-- Moby
%
The Apple folk were led upstairs into an elegantly furnished room 
to wait for Mick.  Bill set up the Mac and launched MacPaint, and 
started to fool around with it.  Then, abruptly, Mick Jagger 
strode into the room, dressed casually in a T-shirt and blue jeans.

Mick was polite, but he didn't seem to have heard of Apple Computer,
Steve Jobs or the Macintosh.  Steve tried to strike up a conversation,
but he wasn't very successful.  Steve told me that Mick couldn't seem
to put together a coherent sentence.  "His speech was slurred and
very slow," Steve described it later, "In fact I think he was on drugs.
Either that or he's brain-damaged." After a few minutes, it was clear
that Mick had absolutely no interest whatsoever in Apple or the 
Macintosh, and an awkward silence ensued.
		-- Andy Hertzfeld
%
DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy,
and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about
70 million machines in use worldwide.  Macintosh fans, on the
other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans,
and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.
		-- New York Times, November 26, 1991
%
Imagine the disincentive to software development if after months of
work another company could come along and copy your work and market
it under its own name...without legal restraints to such copying,
companies like Apple could not afford to advance the state of the art.
		-- Bill Gates
%
An international team of psychiatrists has flown to Redmond, WA in an
attempt to discover exactly what makes Bill Gates tick.  And, more
especially, what makes him go cuckoo every half hour.
		-- David Pogue

