Quotations on the Derpsite

So, you say, there are some funny quotations down there in the lower-left hand corner. Well, for your enjoyment, below are listed all the quotations currently running here, starting with the newest ones first.

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Quotations last updated:
Wednesday, 28 October, at 10 PM

 

I'm going to play the music of Dukkah Johannsen, who, for a year, took a sabbatical as an ashtray.
--Jim Plocinik

Those songs don't make me feel like I'm worshipping, they make me feel like somebody died...well, somebody did die, but...
--Laura Jorgensen, on church music

I am phenotype Nordic God!
--Zackery Corsello-Case

Step aside, gentlemen—my lady's salaried!
--Bob Cavanaugh

Pick up some patchouli wine while you're at it.
--Eric Morocco

Bees hate keys. Just jingle 'em!
--Bob Cavanaugh

You can carry bodies in a small leather backpack. Small bodies.
--Zackery Corsello-Case

A tacklebox full of pizza toppings.
--Zackery Corsello-Case

My apex was when your girlfriend was making cinnamon rolls.
--Justin Mickatavage

I want to live on a traffic island.
--Laura Jorgensen

You're selling your blood for Radiohead; you've sold your blood for worse.
--Alex Voorman

Beer + dollar hamburgers = a lethal combination.
--Jim Plocinik

I've been picking up the shattered pieces of my psyche all day.
--Chancellor Lee

You can't wiggle it around.
--Justin Mickatavage

I'll throw my Splenda at you.
--Jose Martinez

I bring you gifts of sheet cake and frank 'n' beans from my native land.
--Chancellor Lee

The silent bowler strikes again.
--Matt Lohrstorfer

I browse babies.
--Matt Lohrstorfer

My neck hurts from making out.
--Brenden Barnett

We've got to find a dead rat factory.
--Matt Lohrstorfer

He said, "Rip off my sun protection."
--Jim Plocinik

I doubt I'm flying into Chicago with the first thing on my mind being "Damn, I need to find a Target, and fast. If only there were some sort of sign...."
--Matt Slack, about this

Like I'm a wild strawberry in this blender.
--Justin Mickatavage

It's actually a good picture except for the blood and shaving cream running down my face.
--Matt Slack

I'll get the fish whiskey, man.
--Chancellor Lee

Tell a story of the song with your body.
--Laura Jorgensen

I wished my head fluctuated like that.
--Justin Triplett

I think she killed Sasquatch.
--Laura Jorgensen

Victims of war and student loans.
--Justin Triplett

At least you never have to wash belts.
--Laura Jorgensen

My head has more inertia than the rest of my body.
--Matt Slack

You could roll up a small child.
--Justin Triplett

What else could you make out of pine cones? Pine cone pie?
--Dillan Beck

Don't forget the matza balls, boyeeeeee!
--Radiohead Dave

Let's play duck-duck-grope.
--Radiohead Dave

When did emotions become so paltry?
--Eric Morocco

I didn't know Bill Gates was in Sonic Youth.
--Bob Cavanaugh

I'll poke you with Jell-O.
--Justin Triplett

The ground is my restaurant.
--Justin Triplett

Listen, I know beautiful women like you get asked this question all the time...but how many quarts are in a gallon?
--Chancellor Lee

I'm glad we have hair on our head and not, like, a fingernail....
--Laura Jorgensen

I always go to class most of the time.
--Laura Jorgensen

It means that cans of deodorant run away, screaming.
--Jim Plocinik

Why does my Diet Pepsi taste like apple juice?
--Matt Slack

The water reclamation plant and Nebraska have a lot in common.
--Laura Jorgensen

This just makes me want to be absorbed into the couch and spend the rest of eternity as a non-organic ass cushion.
--Matt Slack

They took Latvian folk songs and punkicized them.
--Bob Cavanaugh

I like to break through to the teeth.
--Laura Jorgensen

Light up a whole boulder of crack...put it in a sewer tunnel and light up the grate.
--Brenden Barnett

You invented a new color. Unless it's taupe. I don't know what color taupe is.
--Laura Jorgensen

I have recently obtained a Hope College shot glass. Why does a dry campus sell shot glasses?
--Matt Slack

...indie rock habadashery.
--Radiohead Dave

Emocular.
--Justin Triplett

They can fight evil and accesorize!
--Laura Jorgensen

What can't you do with that much pudding?
--Bob Cavanaugh

Why do you put a skeleton in jail? They're all skinny and they could get between the bars...it just wouldn't work out well.
--Matt Slack

Where are the pickup trucks?
--Me, while in Indiana

You're like a giant pigeon to me.
--Matt Slack

You can't take him seriously because he has a pantsuit on.
--Chancellor Lee

I think the heart of a Zulu warrior beats in me.
--Chancellor Lee

Come on now...you were never proud of me.
--Jim Plocinik

Ooooh! Candle fun!
--Laura Jorgensen

I want to find a history of rat kings in Europe.
--Matt Slack

Spearflex is a reckoning-compliant building.
--Matt Slack

You're not emo...don't cry.
--Laura Jorgensen

Captured by resident Episcopalian Charles Mercadal?!
--Matt Slack, horribly confused

My neck! My beautiful neck!
--Me

There's always the window.
--Me, about the Dodge Shadow

We've got our finger on the pulse of America.
--The Liars, "Grown Men Don't Fall in the River, Just Like That"

You f*&%ing bastards! I want my retroflex hooks!
--Matt Slack

Happiness is a discarded screen door.
--Matt Slack

I chased the dots in Charles' vision.
--Matt Slack

It is a round about that I cannot leave.
--And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead, "Homage"

I don't know why I feel so tongue tied.
--Radiohead, "Myxamatosis"

You can never have too many Q-Tips.
--Matt Slack

You be good or the Republican emo kids will come after you.
--Matt Slack

Darling, don't you go and cut your ear, do you think it's going to make her change?
--Me, about Van Gogh

I give this sleep two thumbs up.
--Bob Cavanaugh

I find it funny thinking of a scorpion as a refugee.
--Jim Plocinik

Zafo is in control of them all.
--Jose Martinez

A bear taking a dump—I want a CD with that on it.
--Bob Cavanaugh

One eye on your shoes, the other on your notebook.
--Sean Caron, on emo

Dance, dance, too much Bowie in the pants.
--Me

The haircut makes you look about 20 lbs. younger.
--Lindsey Martin

Welcome back to Chaunce. Population: Sexy.
--Chancellor Lee

Smell me. Do I smell like hot dogs?
--Kimm Gildea

Some subway water dripped on my arm. It turned the skin red.
--Chancellor Lee

...'cause it's Chauncey's New York City of whatever.
--Bob Cavanaugh

Can't find my way and I'm getting used to it.
--Mudhoney, "Acetone"

We arrive tonight, guest hostess.
--Radiohead Dave

And sometimes people get better faster in bright rooms than they do in drab ones.
--Eric Berne, Games People Play

And me, just another dream theory, lost inside your eyes.
--Sonic Youth, "Karen Revisited"

"Don't you think the walls are perpindicular tonight?"
--Eric Berne, Games People Play

Have you ever had Ovaltine & Bass together? What would they be like?
--Bob Cavanaugh

Argyle would have totally kicked the polka dots ass.
--Lindsey Martin

I am dead by the beauty of strangers...
--Sonic Youth, "Radical Adults Lick Godhead Style"

I'm normbal.
--Me

Psychic Gems from Space...Wow, all my problems are solved!
--Chancellor Lee

Stop looking at me, nose!
--Bob Cavanaugh

It was, like, so punkin' good.
--Me

You're such a bible quoter, Charles.
--Lindsey Martin

Don't know about you, but I am un chien andolusia...
--Pixies, "Debaser"

There'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans, under the sea...
--Simpsons

Quick, there's a small mammal, go sleep on it!
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer

When in doubt, reach for your revolver.
--Bob Cavanaugh

You guys are so change-a-major-licious.
--Lindsey Martin

I am the mucous king. I can do anything.
--Bryan Boettcher

You've been chosen as an extra in the movie adaptation of the sequel to your life.
--Pavement, "Shady Lane"

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
--Will Rodgers

...Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations—it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
--Stuart Keate

Do your Bowie dance!!!
--Everyone

It tastes like if you took cardboard, lit it on fire, and stuck it in your mouth.
--Me

I'm a ramen noodle connoisseur, actually.
--the Flopromo

It's the worst thing to ever happen to humanity.
--Chancellor Lee

Are you being sarcastic?
--Me

It bothers me when my food squeaks at me.
--Matt Slack

Those are some elusive pie tins.
--Me

I wonder how many pickled slugs it would take to fill up this bottle.
--Matt Slack

Creep for joy, Charles. Creep for joy.
--Matt Slack

Lentil soup $2.35
You'll eat your fingurs behind your plate! [sic]
--Advert at Ali Baba's Hookah Lounge

Don't know what I want, but I know how to get it.
--Sex Pistols, "Anarchy in the UK"

I want to do something so creepy and weird that my iBook hops off the desk, bounces over to the closet, slams the door, and lies cowering in the clothes hamper.
--Matt Slack

Man, I like Visual Basic.
--Rusty Dekema

She's a sad tomato...
--REM, "Crush with Eyeliner"

Maybe Nicky is William Lyon Mackenzie King.
--Bob Cavanaugh

I am a patient boy, I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait...
--Fugazi, "Waiting Room"

Deep and sound asleep, never saw the blaze.
--Mudhoney, "When In Rome"

This blue screen of death brought to you by C|Net.
--Philipp Jonas

It's like a giant walking entendre.
--Bob Cavanaugh

I'd be afraid if music were my aeroplane...I mean, since it's been hi-jacked by Britney Spears.
--Me

Yeah, our backyard is like a snack bar to our foxes.
--Bob Cavanaugh

Who wants to party with Ghandi?
--Radiohead Dave

Forever in debt to your priceless advice.
--Nirvana, "Heart-Shaped Box"

It's like Christmas twice a year right now.
--Jason Olexa, on Math 145

I want to find out what a Turkish disco is like.
--Bob Cavanaugh

I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun.
--The Vines, "Get Free"

Blow, blow me out, I am so sad, I don't know why.
--Blur, "Country House"

It's crucial we actually listen to what Satan has to say before we begin to formulate opinions about him.
--Matt Slack

Slick.
--Philipp Jonas, when I locked my keys in my car

...and, then, Harrison Ford went crazy!
--Jim Plocinik

These breeders bring their children to class.
--Chancellor Lee

What's more annoying than a cell phone in class? Waaa-aah!
--Chancellor Lee

I'm glad I got out of engineering when I did.
--Justin Triplett

Wanna show me Jaguar? Wanna show me Jaguar?
--Bob Cavanaugh

I woke the same as any other day, except a voice was in my head.
--Soundgarden, "The Day I Tried to Live"

Where we ryde our mopeds in a ruff fashion.
--Sean Caron

Let's get some left-ist propaganda at the Space.
--Alex Reish

It's the letter F.
--Me

We could go swinging.
--Sean Caron

Get on the ish train of love?
--Bob Cavanaugh

Why, you look like you're about to have unprotected phone sex...
--Matt Slack

Sympathy for the Devil's Haircut: A Rolling Stones tribute to Beck.
--Radiohead Dave

Don't shoot shoot shoot that thing at me.
--Violent Femmes, "Add It Up"

Go play.
--My boss

Don't have a Pip fit!
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer

Want to come on a 6.2 mile walk with me?
--Matt Slack

Overdoze: I do that a lot.
--Matt Slack

When Charlie and Sean are in the car, there's always a slight irony.
--Matt Slack

I will rock the casbah. The velveteen casbah.
--Sean Caron

Damn gynæcocracy!
--Chancellor Lee

A Master of Ceremonies is really a fellow who is unemployed and gets paid for it.
--Jack Benny

She wowed me with pseudo-science!
--Radiohead Dave

That's like 10 Base-Your Momma!
--Simeon Seinen

My brother Bill, he works for the market. Life is an arrow now and he is the target.
--The Vines, "Highly Evolved"

Bootleg movies will soon flow onto my fileserver like salmon upstream.
--Matt Slack

...and, on the week-ends, he DJs in vans.
--Matt Slack, about me

I hate you, Matt.
--Charlie Schmidt, continually

"The stars are clear to-night," he sighed. "I wonder if they are visible from the dacite elevation on which she lives."
--Robert Benchley, A Romance in Encyclopedia Land

"By Ereshkigal," he swore softly to himself, "I'll do it."
--Robert Benchley, A Romance in Encyclopedia Land

...leafy carophyllaceæ twined their sepals in prodigal profusion, lending a touch of color to the scene.
--Robert Benchley, A Romance in Encyclopedia Land

It was clear that nature was in preparation for her estivation.
--Robert Benchley, A Romance in Encyclopedia Land

Four out of five kittens never do anything worthwhile in the world.
--Robert Benchley, The Woolen Mitten Siutation

From 5.6% to 95% of the department store sales of men's mittens are made to women. This just shows what we are coming to.
--Robert Benchley, The Woolen Mitten Siutation

You can sleep undetected in a lecture course by resting the head on the hand as if shading the eyes.
--Robert Benchley, What College Did to Me

Can't they just put a strip mall there?
--Chancellor Lee, about the Art Museum

I'm trying to get it to rain Harvey's Bristol Cream.
--Franklin Sherman, The Critic

Isn't that right, balloon doggies?
--Franklin Sherman, The Critic

They're called fingers, but, yet, they don't fing. Noodle that one for a while.
--Franklin Sherman, The Critic

Well, he won't steal the silverware. I've glued that to the ceiling.
--Franklin Sherman, The Critic

...but doesn't UNIX usually make that smell?
--Simeon Seinen

All right, Charles, what kind of crack were you on when you wrote this?
--Charlie Schmidt

Don't turn off the pains in my head sound!
--Chancellor Lee, on the AOL Instant Messenger sounds

Royal Canadian blended, the spicy aroma had mended me...
--Muse, "Sober"

Aw, screw class, I just want to stay here and assemble the gumball machine.
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer

Well, they'd have to launder the money first, it being bloody and all.
--Matt Slack

That's what my ancestors used to do...eat meat pies then drink 4 pints.
--Me

I never knew ground lamb could be so good!
--Me

...but I wanted some goat!
--Chancellor Lee

Well, I used to wake up in the morning, get my breakfast in bed...
--Rolling Stones, "It's All Over Now"

Darn those Nerd balls!
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer

You could name the baby Cola. Um, oh, then...Colanne?
--Woman on the bus on a cell phone

We're a giant corporation, and you make us feel like a little kitten. Thank you, lover.
--Brown & Williamson tobacco

Matt's thoughts on this subject are irrelevant.
--Charlie Schmidt

There we go, I think thats the thrust of my confusion.
--Sean Caron

That is fine. Meta-fine.
--Me

He has a sword...I'll believe anything he says.
--Matt Slack

I hope you never put a picture of me on your website.
--Matt Slack

If you wish to be a success in the world, promise everything, deliver nothing.
--Napoleon

What do you mean Jesus? A sound?
--Radiohead Dave

Huh?
--Philipp Jonas, after we watched Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolfe

You and I are the only two people who listen to good music. And I'm not even sure about you.
--Matt Slack

Oh, cool, a Martian Popping Thing.
--My high school guidance counsellor

Turkmenistani plastics: 30% bone meal.
--the Flopromo

If staplers could talk, would paper fear what they had to say?
--the Flopromo

A cup of lighter fluid will soothe the pain.
--the Flopromo

It's fun to go to the mall and watch the people stare at me. Want to come along?
--the Chaplain at my high school

What will we do with the neutered mice?
--Me, at work, finding a number of ball-less Macintosh mice

Once in seven years I burn all my sermons; for it is a shame if I cannot write better sermons now than I did seven years ago.
--John Wesley

Yeah, everyone's just watching a movie today. You can go home if you want to.
--My boss

I think you could be David Bowie for Halloween.
--Radiohead Dave

I'm a nihilist now.
--David Lempert

Girls to do the dishes, to clean up my room, to do the laundry, and in the bathroom...
--Beastie Boys, "Girls"

I'm looking after Kevin's dog.
--Matt Slack, continually

You are never going to get up for church on Christmas.
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer (I was 15 minutes late)

You're going to love this, Charles. My mom's getting me a cell phone.
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer

Where the hell do you steal a car with an eight track player?
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer

Oh, yeah, Altamont. Where all the Hell's Angels were on too much LSD or something.
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer

Don't bogart the chips!
--Maria Williams

C'mon, bring it on!
--Philipp Jonas, asking for it before I beat him at chess

You know, I'm starting to like xemacs.
--Philipp Jonas

Ooooh, can you party with me, can you show me a good time, do you know what one looks like?
--Pulp, "Party Hard"

w-w-w dot g-o-o-g-l-e dot c-o-m
--My ECE 251 assistant, explaining where to find electrical engineering stuff on the web

Oh, I'd say the market for lentils would be yuppie vegetarian computer geeks.
--Matt Slack

But I like qbasic.
--Josh Cypher

Snuff in my nose makes me want to complain.
--the Flopromo

Come sit on old unca' Chauncey's lap...
--Chancellor Lee, to some girl, only later to find out she was a lesbian

Richard Stallman is going to hate you. But the Debian People will hate you more.
--Matt Slack

Something in my nose smells.
--Me, after getting a sinus infection

Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.
--George Orwell

Well, we can still make it to the concert
--Radiohead Dave, when our car died 10 miles north of Toronto, one hour before the concert

Aaaaaaaah!
--Chancellor Lee, when his car died 10 miles north of Toronto

Who are my real friends, have they all got the bends?
--Radiohead, "The Bends"

Sign my card, Charles!
--Jessica Enget, when I forgot to sign her Valentine's Day card

Ingredients:
Coriander, cumin, tumeric, chile, ginger, cardamon, mustard, cayenne, cloves, nutmeg, cinnamon, black pepper, saffron

I didn't drink her drinks.
--Radiohead Dave

Do I come off as sarcastic?
--Chancellor Lee

Is your mailbox broken or something?!
--John-Paul Lohrstorfer, while waiting for a package to arrive at my house

Homer, an man who called himself you-know-who just invited you to a secret wink-wink at the you-know-what...
--Simpsons

It's like thousands of helpful monkey claws ripping through your colon!
--Chancellor Lee

Do you want to spend the rest of your life selling sugared-water, or do want a chance to change the world?
--Steven Jobs

The first Nowell the angel did say...
--The Hymnal, 1982, hymn number 109.

You needn't be fully dresed if you wear a cap and gown to a nine-o'clock recitation.
--Robert Benchley, What College Did to Me

Nine-tenths of the girls in a girls' college are not pretty.
--Robert Benchley, What College Did to Me

Powder rubbed on the chin will take the place of a shave if the room isn't very light.
--Robert Benchley, What College Did to Me

Well, you live in Portage, where's your cell phone?
--Matt Lohrstorfer, to another friend of mine, when he needed to make a phone call

There's something in my ice cube. Oh, it's only part of a fly.
--Me, at Subway, upon getting some, um, defiled ice cubes

Self-Esteem for Dummies.
--the Flopromo

Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food, the only thing I'm hunting for is an outfit that looks good.
--Mr. Burns, "See My Vest"

You know, it's bad enough when your shirt sticks to your back. But it's even worse when a gigantic lesbian bumblebee is stuck to your back.
--the Flopromo

Walk into the light. Unless it burns. Then you'll need some zinc oxide and aloe.
--the Flopromo

Plungers suck.
--the Flopromo

Hey, I'm doing pretty good this game.
--Me, in my head, before Chess.app beat me horribly

Do you know what an ulcer is? It's caused by stress.
--Mark F. Monk, talking to the stressful ZTV kids

I'm afraid I don't have the cranial capacity for this class.
--Chancellor Lee, on the day he de-registered for English Lit.

NO! You cannot have a ride!
--Chancellor Lee, yelling at the girl in the song "Undone" by Weezer

We better be careful. Mrs. Bishop might be packing heat.
--In my high school English class, after our teacher nearly bought a Glock

When do your [students] weekends start now? Thursday?
--Dr. Marc Perkovic, Chem 110 Lecture

I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget.
--Benjamin Disraeli

It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
--Sir Winston Churchill

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he will pick himself up and carry on.
--Sir Winston Churchill

I'm a lot like you, so please, hello, I'm here, I'm waiting. I think I'd be good for you, and you, you'd be good for me.
--Weezer, "El Scorcho"

Some folk'll never eat a skunk, but then again, some folk'll...
--Cletus the Slack-Jawwed Yokel's Theme Song

Oh, you're the kind of person you meet at certain dismal, dull affairs. Center of the crowd, talking much too loud, running up and down the stairs.
--Rolling Stones, "19th Nervous Breakdown"

I'm so happy, 'cause today I found my friends, they're in my head...
--Nirvana, "Lithium"

Get the cool, get the cool shoe shine...
--Gorillaz, "19-2000"

This concert's whipped up the American way to raise money for guns for the greedy!
--Dead Kennedys, "A Commerical"

No one needs anyone, they don't even just pretend.
--David Bowie, "I'm Afraid of Americans"

God is an American.
--David Bowie, "I'm Afraid of Americans"

Oh no, not me, I never lost control...
--David Bowie, "Man Who Sold the World"

Quick...hide out in the Wesco!
--Me

He lives in a house, a very big house in the country...
--Blur, "Country House"

MTV makes me want to smoke crack.
--Beck, "MTV Makes Me Want to Smoke Crack"

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
--Mae West

Anything more than the truth would be too much.
--Robert Frost

Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.
--Otto von Bismarck

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing.
--Robert Benchley

The problems of victory are more agreeable than the problems of defeat, but they are no less difficult.
--Sir Winston Churchill

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.
--18th-Century English Proverb

What do you kids think you're doing? Get off of my boat!
--Chancellor Lee & John-Paul Lohrstorfer

Total number of quotations: 279