Bad dating hints

Setting the Mood

As with any romantic occasion, an important lesson to learn is how to properly set the mood before meeting with your member of the appropriate sex. While this may seem incredibly simple, well, and it should be, there are some things to keep in mind which will save you much pain and rejection in the future.

First, should you be the party who must unfortunately choose where to go on this rendez-vous, may I first suggest somewhere clean. If you are a guy, this then means not your apartment. And therefore Chick Fil-A is out the window, too. Denny's would also be a poor decision. Try to avoid these.

Once you've found a suitable location, remember, if you have a chance to choose the music, there are some very important decisions to be made, ones which could make the difference between looking like a intelligent, witty, and with-it sort of person versus a maniac. Now, though you may personally enjoy Beck's MTV Makes Me Want to Smoke Crack or Tom Lehrer's Masochism Tango, you should really realize that the majority of those around you would think that you are somehow unstable by having played these songs. Should you later find out that your date is interested in similar non-traditional forms of music, feel free to indulge, but, for the first testings of the water music like this will not likely enhance the growing amour.

The crowd or lack thereof at your choice of location is important, too. Don't let me make you think it's not by my not discussing it further.

Lighting. That's right, you need to be aware of it. Though you may not think that grey pus filled sack on the right side of your lip sticks out much, you can see to it that it sticks out even less by finding appropriate lighting. Places with light overhead lighting and candles may be suitable, but, for the best visual impression, find a darkened romantic crypt-like restaurant whose lighting is so poor that the menu in braile is more readable than anything printed. Trust me. 

Communications

While you may think communications are useless, and you may be right if you're talking about several courses to took in college, do not fool yourself. One of the most important things in dating is your ability to communicate. It sets you apart from the illiterate grunting masses. Even if you are one of these, though, this little tutorial might just help you from making the most obvious mistakes, and probably some that no one has ever even considered.

Most importantly, learn how to listen. If you can't speak well, hopefully you can learn the needed skills of listening. Amongst these are:

• Nodding your head for no apparent reason at unimportant drivel your beau or belle is yammering on about,
• Occasionally staring off into space in apparent thought, while you're really just scanning the room for a hotter alternative, and
• Looking deeply into the other's eyes while waiting for that last bit of gas to quietly pass.

Got that? Good. So, now that you are an ardent listener, you should learn several things about how not to talk to your partner. While most everyone can talk (and talk and talk), you need to be aware that this just won't do. So consider the following. Open your mind and your libido will follow.

Don't talk about your job. No one cares that Gertrude, the aging secretary, has got a bad case of colitis. You probably don't care either, but you hope it'll help you look like a sympathetic sort of human. More like a pathetic sort of human.

Next, don't talk about the time in your senior year of high school when you and your friends thought it would be a lark to egg the local rival high school. Of course, it is rather cool that you all drove over there, hid the car in the bushes, brought tons of aging dairy, meat, and yolk-based products. And how you all ran when you heard noises from inside the school, darting to the next nearest neighborhood, ditching the food products in a garbage can. Really. Your date undoubtedly will believe that you are stupid. Which you may very well be if you're taking dating advice from me.

Another loser move: Droning on and on about how you really really like some band. Let's just say, for example, you're a big Motley Crue fan. Continually barraging your companion with stories from concerts, minutiae about the albums, and monotonous recitations of lyrics won't make you appealing, even if other than this date the only things you've done in the last eight months have been listening to Motley Crue, eating, and sleeping. It makes you look dull.

Finally, remember, stuttering makes you look nervous. If you really like this charming conglomeration of flesh, and they really like you, they won't care if you stutter, and you'll look like you're nervous because you really like them. It may have just been the poorly prepared calamari, and, in that case, hopefully you can hobble over to the infirmary for some antitoxin. 

Wild Horses Couldn't Drag Me Away

So, assuming your date is now fed, you've chatted some, and they haven't run off to the local police in horror, you're in for the time I call the "slump time." What do you do now? There are several tried and tested methods for filling the time, such as movies or bowling, with which you are probably already familiar. Given that, I'd like to suggest some more avant garde ideas.

Why not go to a park, if it's daylight? Stash a bag of stale bread in the trunk, and feed the birds or the disgusting carp. Everyone loves a sunshine filled day at a park, and you could even consider bringing a phonograph or CD player and listening to something soothing (cf. "Setting the Mood" section). Warnings are in order: Don't plan ahead too far or that stale bread will become furry and a bit too ripe for the occasion.

A rather smart idea hit me a while ago: How about visiting a junkyard? While I have yet to test this one out, just imagine, pay the junkyard guy some flat rate, bring a sledgehammer, and let out all that gosh darn agression. You might even just find that one circuit board you need for your 1982 Pinto.

Another idea could well be doing something seasonal. Say it's the summer. The beach is never a horrible time, unless the sand mites are acting up again. In the autumn, you could go to the apple cider place and try out the various flavors. In winter, making snow forts never goes out of style. And, well, the spring is the time for love. I'm sure you can find something to do that is of mutual interest.

Just remember: Find something that you'll both enjoy. Don't go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting if your date is into heroin. Don't visit the local museum if your date is daft. And never, and I repeat never go to the SmithKline Beecham factory tour. No one wants a free sample of Aqua Fresh to remember a date by. 

When the Date's Nearly Over

So you've had a delightful time. Now is not the time to blow it. You had a lot of other chances to screw up, so why make your mistake here? Rememeber, it's probably still far too early in the relationship to talk about that cult you joined several years back. And don't be tempted to now explain that your mommy & daddy had a thing for tantric sex when you were ten years old. Be as quiet as you can without appearing to be a cadaver will probably help you from blowing it.

The precarious situation of having arrived at the home of your date will soon be upon you. Many trip-ups could very well occur here, too. Firstly, if you're not doing well on said date, e.g. the one you admire shuns your very existance, do not become a pathetic whiner and beg for a kiss. That's in poor taste. Also don't attempt to try to stick your foot in the door. It hurts when it is slammed ever so gently upon your crushed dreams and spirit. Huh? Where was I now? Oh.

What if, however, the situation is reversed, that is to say that your acquaintance is enamored with you, but you frankly hope to never date this supposedly human animal again. You must still act with poise and grace. Resist the urge to chuck the bag of bones out of the car while wailing, "Die, you ogre of the unimagninable depths!" You can be arrested for stuff like that. Instead, try the this: Drop them off at home. Buy a caller ID. Use it.

Should, on the other hand (is this the third hand?) the date be going immensely well, even after having followed my advice, well, it's all up to you from here on out. C'mon, it's not like I know everything.  

Final Words of Wisdom

Before I go, however, I feel there's several last things of varying importance which I should mention:

• If you attempts at wit and humor are shot down, remember, it's not your fault. Your date is just a yuppie suburbanite too shallow and callous to understand your brilliant mind. Or maybe you're just a weenie.
• If you are a swell cook and have decided to prepare some sort of food item on this date, take heed: Most people have a moral objection to eating household pets. A packet of chicken flavoring from a package of Ramen noodles should avert questions before they arise.
• The thought of, "Did I forget to pay my credit card bill?" is a bad bad thing. Loser.
• ...and, don't forget, most of all, have fun. I mean, it's not as though dating is a life-or-death thing, I mean, right? Right?