Things Which Really Miff Me Off

Seven Dollar Headphones

Maybe I expect too much from Walgreen's. Or maybe I'm a sucker.

I recently bought a pair of seven dollar headphones from Walgreens. Now, as I decide to blast Supergrass Pumping on Your Stereo, these awful things decide, "No, sir, I don't like it." If I put the wire just the right way, lift my right arm, and kick at the floor, they seem to work.

It seems Supergrass will no longer be pumping on my (stereo) headphones. Bugger.

Angry Mobs

Has this ever happened to you: You're minding your business typing or reading or twiddling your thumbs, when and angry mob comes along and begins beating on you? How dare they!

Now, I don't know about you, but frankly, enough is enough. I'd stand up for myself, I guess, but an angry mob would probably attack me when they read this.

Teeth

Who really wants them? Sure, they grind our food for us, but the awful things need to be brushed and flossed and pampered. Stupid teeth, take care of yourselves for once!

No more teeth for me: in a week I go to the dentist, have him yank all of them out, and replace them with efficient stainless steel plates. They won't complain about a little thing like, oh, I don't know, a gaping hole in them!

Crystal Ships

What in God's name were the Doors smoking? Last time I rode a crystal ship, the thing ran aground and thirty people died. Sure, a crystal ship might look perty and all, but wait until you're being sued for millions of dollars for making a completely non-seaworthy vessal that cracks at the slightest tap.

Wake up, entrepreneurs! This could be potentially damaging to your career. Don't, and I repeat, don't make a crystal ship!

Those Annoying Fuzzy Thingies on Sweaters

I know you will all hate this: those annoying fuzzy thingies on sweaters. Every time I have a sweater I really like, and wear it a couple times, those annoying fuzzy thingies on sweaters start popping up like gnats on a warm summer evening in Toronto. You pick at them, but, even then, more those annoying fuzzy thingies on sweaters start appearing.

I say we all come together and tell wool manufacturers one thing, in one clear unwaivering voice: We hate those annoying fuzzy thingies on sweaters. I have a petition, or, rather, had one. Lost it when the crystal ship sank.

Cellular Telephony

There's a reason that the word phony exists within Cellular Telephony. How many times have you been in public, when some trendie's telephone goes off playing Ave Maria? Make sure not to ask them what that song is either; the most accepted response by those types tend to be "Oh, yeah, that's Nokia's #51."

Now, I'm aware some people need cell phones. Frankly, though, half of these people simply get one to look cool. Sex makes the world go round, mind you. I guess if you can't find any other way to get some, at least you can impress girls with blinking lights and distracting noises. Or maybe that's how you impress raccoons. Maybe they're into that sort of thing.

Toronto's Atomic Gnats

I made a reference to these insects above. Have you ever inhaled a gnat? Not only do these things surround your face and cling to your clothes, but they don't die easily. Feeling a gnat squirm around in your throat isn't really the blast some people might think it could be.

Remedy: chloroform. Place on rag around your face. Seems to kill off the gnats. Heck, even if they're not dead, you won't be awake when they attack.

Dust Bunnies

If you think your average rabbit reproduces far too rapidly, find a swarm of dust bunnies and look at them go! Man alive, they're vicious.

Screw the RSPCA, I went on a dust bunny hunt today. They try hiding so hard, like behind the desk, under the cupboards, and even inside the TV. Most effective extermination methods include Old English and a deft knowldege of the hunt. If you see a dust bunny, don't breathe! Dust bunnies have an acute sense of when you are near, scrambling away for dear life, sometimes even assaulting their assailant upon inhaling.

Ending Stories

How are you supposed to close a story? I mean, look at this, I can't think of anything more to write, really, and now I don't know how I'm going to finish this. I mean, I know I'll probably end it and go to bed, but that would be a really weak ending for this. I mean, it's pretty illegitimate, and I know I can do better than that, right?

Ugh, screw this. I'm going to bed.