This is a true story.
The names, dates, and places may or may not have been altered. You have been warned.Well, if you know me, or if you know Kalamazoo, you probably know Boogies, our local hang out spot where we can drink coffee and meet interesting folks.
So, late one evening, after Chancellor Lee and I stopped by the video store we decided we'd go and hang out at Boogie's (as is our custom).
We went inside—it must have been around 1:30 in the morning—and saw a guy we went to high school with, Gerald. We all got a little something from the counter and then went and sat in the upstairs alcove. Boogie's was pretty quiet that night.
So, we're sitting there, talking about, well, the things that we talk about. And I think Chauncey had brought up something about girls when one of the guys at a table adjacent to us looked over at us, with that look that people give before they come over and talk to you.
And here's where things get weird...
So the guy steps over to us, and he's got a bag. He opens the bag revealing about twenty pornographic magazines, which he promptly proceeds to place on the table.
"Yeah, so it's three dollars for the new ones and two dollars for the others," he mutters and he walks away for a minute.
So, I glance and Chauncey and Gerald and they do the same to me. They both start to look at the magazines with mild amusement, but, well, awkwardly. I refrained from touching them for the mostly obvious reasons. After a minute or two, the guy comes back.
"Mmmm-hmmm...that's some pretty good stuff here, all from 2001 or 2002, like, this one," and he starts fondling one of the magazines. "April 2002, yeah, this is a good one here. I got these from a friend of mine, he got them cleaning up a house after an eviction. A bunch of college folks. Yeah, it took me a while to sort through all of them, to make sure they were fit to be sold. I've been selling them now for about a week."
And, after volunteering this information, he proceeded to tell us that he'd be willing to sell them to us for only two dollars a piece, rather than the formerly offered two or three dollars, as some sort of Boogie's-goers special or something. I declined the offer.
He left the magazines on the table, perhaps hoping to snag Chauncey or Gerald into buying one (as they were both still thumbing through them, Chauncey stopping to laughingly interject "PORNO!" from time to time and laughing at the whole situation.) I steadfastly continued to try to avoid touching the magazines or anything adjacent thereto.
Dave arrives
Radiohead Dave came over to Boogie's after having been at the bar next door where he'd stepped out to get a Newcastle. He looked at the table and then looked at all of us, mouth slightly agape. Realizing the untapped market, our porn mongering friend comes over and explains to Dave the affordable two dollar price and proceeds to point out the recentness of the pornography (because, I mean, the freshness has somehow got to be important to your enjoyment thereof?) and pointed out some of the more revealing poses in a matter such to entice Dave to make a purchase.
Dave humored the guy and sat down at the table. While we're talking to Dave about what he's been up to, the seller took the magazines and put them back at his table. He walked away and, lo and behold, who should come upstairs next but Boogie's resident late-night Christian pastor. He comes up, takes one look at their table, and immediately righteous indignation could be seen on his face. A stack of porn, out for all to see.
After a word or two with the friend of our porn selling acquaintance (who pointed at us at some random point during his conversation, as though to make us culpable) the Christian gentleman walked away. I think as a result of all of this being enough entertainment for the night, Chauncey decided that it was time to go. We said our goodbyes to Dave, Gerald, and our new friend and headed for the door.
As a tribute...
In memory of this glorious occasion, I've worked up some lyrics to the tune "The Old Dope Peddler" by Tom Lehrer in a song I'm calling "The Discount Porn Peddler". (If you want music to go along, click here for a MIDI)
When the shades of night are drawnComes a fellow you'll never know:
He's the discount porn peddler
With tons of stuff to show.
Only once have we conversed
At the local coffee spot.
Boogie's discount porn peddler
Trying to get the young folk hot.
He sells the porn real cheap
In these days of lore...
The wares he's now hawking
Have been enjoyed by others before.
Entertainment for the masses,
Pictures of people who screw.
He's the discount porn peddler
Offering his finest for you.
