Kiwi & Co.
Unlicensed Tobacconists Since 1997"Back in the old country," he began, "my grand father used to roll his own cigarettes. He told me of a nation across the ocean, called Canada, where people could live and buy their cigarettes pre-rolled. Two months from then we moved to America."
And thus did not begin the history of Kiwi Tobacco, an unheard of multi-national tobacco corporation. However, stories such as these inspired those who founded Kiwi, such as me. Hi, my name is Charles Mercadal. And I'd like you to know: At Kiwi, Freshness Counts!™
So, while those big SOB's such as RJR and Dunhill may be sinkin' to the bottom, we are posting triple-digit growth percentages every year since our inception. While some may say we're sleazy horrible people, we want you to know that we really do care. And that Freshness Counts!
This is the only place on the 'net to learn more about Kiwi, our products, and why we're so great. We hope you'll find our history invigorating, our stock price soaring, and our products fresh (because you know why) We'll talk about the hard choices facing smokers, as well as our thougts on smoking and cancer. Or, actually, you probably won't find any of that here. Most of it is just recycled advertising, most of which we couldn't use anywhere else due to federal mandates. Just keep reading.
The Kiwi Way
In 1997, soon after our inception, we started our best campaingn ever: The Kiwi Way. We took the most famous people from all walks of life (or death), called up their estates, and slapped their pictures all over shamelessly. Below is the famous FDR ad, which caused then President Clinton to say, "If [Kiwi] does that to me, [I'd be happy] as [sin!]" (paraphrased)
We had hoped to continue with this advertising line, however, due to legal matters with our advertising agency, as well as market pressures, these ads were only on the shelves until mid-1997.
Holy Smokes!
So, what were the market pressures mentioned above? Well, according to Stuart P. Edwards, our then Chief Financial Officer, we had no focus market for our smokes. When prompted, he suggested that there were two under-appreciated smokers' markets, one of which we should choose to advertise at, saying, "Well, Charles, you could either go after young computer geeks with high-paying jobs, or those with religious vocations."
Well, the choice was clear: the religious had not had a cigarette poised to take over their market since the 1967 advertising campaign by Lucky Strike which exclaimed, "Strike up a Lucky...then strike the kid's knuckles!" which was very popular amongst teaching nuns but did not make an impression upon the greater market and, thus, was quickly scrapped.
Hired as director of art for this project was Marinor Shmechelov, the great Russian post-modernist. Shmechelov was one of two applicants for the position and his unpronouncable last name put him over the top for the position (because no one could spell it to write him hate mail) With this assurance, we immediately began paying him to start on a series of ads that would be printed in weekly magazines for Roman Catholic orders.
This was the worst Kiwi campaign to date. Immediately mail arrived saying to the company address making the implication that we were horrible people and that we would do well to go to confession quickly before our souls were expelled to hell for the torture of eternal damnation. We took these letters to heart and fired Shmechelov, having his work permit revoked and shipping him back to his motherland. In protest, he merely stated through his interpreter, "No, my interpreter misunderstood! Please, help me! Is the thought of the day the winkle in the tinkle?"
Internationals
So, like any mildly successful company, well, it was time to push our tobaccos to a wider market, especially given that we couldn't get one market down right. Thus, in early 1998 we released the Kiwi Internationals for sale at duty free shops, imported tobacconists, and at Canadian corner stores. All in all, this has brought Kiwi the greatest name recognition increase ever, allowing everyone to learn that Freshness Counts!
The International Series was the first to introduce filtered light and menthol Kiwi cigarettes, for the less-discerning smoker who prefers a bit of fiberglass between them and their precious, precious nicotine. It also introduced the famous beret-clad spokesmen known only as Dirty Frenchmen, who, actually, are surprisingly clean. Now, the other spokesmen, Dirty Irishmen are a completely different matter...
Internationals still hold up to 30 per-cent of Kiwi's annual profits, and have seen increasing growth in Africa and Aboriginal Australia, where they're as addicted as anyone else, but they don't have medical authorities to tell them not to smoke. Hello America, you could take a lesson from them!
Regular Guy
Never to forget about our sales back in the states, we decided to spend $12 million dollars on a nationwide survey to find out what bothers people most today. Turns out most people feel an ennui or boredom that they just can't shake. They've tried Prozac. They love their Paxil. So, we thought, why shouldn't we join in?
Some people say it's really horrible for us to suggest that we, a peddler of nicotine, can solve the psychological and societal problems of a nation. But we disagree. Geez, look at the drug companies, that's right, I mean, it's not like they're really working to patch the foundations of our materialistic and quick-fix people. So why shouldn't we join in, with our slow, addictive fix? And that we did.
The success of this campaign was best seen in the response to the freebies that we offered. Sure, materialism and greed may be bad things, but it sure does sell people on our smokes. Kiwicash™ sure did take off, too, giving a number of people things that they not only did need, but that were also a pain in the butt to keep in good repair.
Save the Animals
Additional market research showed that those who did not experience the dullness of life so complained about above had found some higher purpose in life: religion, the earth, or Macintosh advocacy. These people felt that, well, there was something more than the everyday dolldrums that everyone had to put up with, and, thus, felt self-assured that what they did would help the world. Who knows? They might get lucky.
Armed with this valuable market knowledge, Kiwi felt emboldened to start on another campaign which ran concurrent with our Regular Guy campaign. This one was made to attract those interested in the enviroment and world around them, and we called it Save the Animals, or, when they weren't around, Bathe the Hippies.
For those who were attracted by these ads, placed in such publications as The Chutney Reader and The Long Islander, Kiwi placed a façade of being a small, caring upstart of a tobacco company, whereas our parent company, the National Cookie Company (NACOCO™), is actually one of the numerous companies who ploughs down forests just for the hell of it in a game they call "Redwood Polo."
Instead of offerping products that these types saw as materialistic, we offered them things such as North Face backpacks and those new Nike climbing shoes. And, if they really wanted to make a big mistake, they could return their Kiwicash™ to help benefit the rainforests or wallabyes for which they do so dearly fight. If they'd only noticed that the coupons says 1/100¢ value on them.
...and onto the Future...
Well, we've had a delightful time with you so far here at our site, but we don't want to let you leave here cold. As many of you know, we will soon discontinue the advertising campaigns that we're using today. As a preview to you, our web viewer, here is what's coming soon to the back of a magazine, newspaper, or billboard near you: The Who in Christ's Name Is This? campaign. We're gonna take pictures of celebrities, nobodies, and everyone in between and the first ten people to call into the Kiwi hotline and identify them will get a free carton of cigarettes.
So, remember, At Kiwi, Freshness Counts!™, whether it be freshness in advertising, a clean candor about our products, or even the tobacco. We value you with sycophantic praise unending, and we can only hope that you will return the favor to us with your adulation and continual purchase of our product. Thanks.
